Jesus Christ, C-List Star

The following is an excerpt from Jesus Christ, C – List Star by Ben Shakey. It will be published by Manna Books in February, 2009

After choosing the comedian that made all the sound effects, the television star that had attempted to make the leap to film and was tossed back to television like an undersized fish, and the black guy that nobody could recall what he was even famous for, the contestant chose the bottom right square.

"I’ll take Jesus Christ to block." said the Bail Bondsman from Idaho.

"Jesus Christ to block!" announced the host.

"Jesus Christ!" thought Jesus Christ. "To block. He didn’t even want to choose me. He had to choose it for the block"

“Alright Jesus.” Said the host. His hair looked like a piece of Tupperware attached to his head with an interlocking plastic groove. "Here’s your question" He sounded as if was going to actually physically throw the question at him "After boarding the Ark, What did Noah leave?"

Jesus leaned forward. There was a prepared answer for him to recite from a cue card but he couldn’t read it from there. "Uhhh" he said leaning a bit more forward "The tap running?"
He read each word aloud as his eyes moved across the script. The timing on the punch line was poor. Jesus knew it would be. Jokes weren’t his speciality. He was more inclined towards parables but it still got a good chuckle from the rest of the squares.

"Uhhm...seriously though" he said. This was much more effective. He was much better at sounding sombre and serene. "He left behind a unicorn."

"A unicorn" said the host "A unicorn" He repeated it one more time, more slowly and in a lower register, to establish that this was the real answer and not a prepared joke.

"Do you agree or disagree?" He asked the Bail Bondsman from Idaho.

The producers asked each player to explain out loud why they made the choice they did in order to increase to drama of the game. The Bail Bondsman from Idaho tried his best to comply. "Well Guy" He explained "I know that Jesus is a very honest man and there is no way that he would lie to me."

The camera cut to a close up of Jesus who shook his head back and forth and mouthed the word No in an exaggerated fashion. His halo scraped the roof of the square above him.

"So that is why I will have to agree."

Wha! Wha! Two sharp blasts of the buzzer indicated that he was wrong.

"I’m sorry" said the host. "The answer was sinners....Sinners" He repeated the word again. This time signify the sincerity he felt about the contestant getting the answer wrong.

The contestant locked eyes with Jesus. It was a rare show emotion on the game. "Did you just lie to me Jesus?!?" He asked.

"Ya, I lied to you", thought Jesus.

"Just like I lied when I said I didn’t care if I got the cruddy lower square. Just like they lied to me when they said that lots of people chose it. I’ve been lied to more in the past 6 months than in all the drunken or pre final exam prayers I’ve received in the past 10 years. 6 months is all it takes for the media hoist you up, announce the 2nd coming, and then backlash you out of sight and mind before they move on to the next media cycle. I can’t believe that alien landed on Earth completely fluent in English. Well, it might be the hot shit media darling right now but in 6 months that alien is going to be right here on Hollywood squares. I wonder if it will get center square? Better not. So ya, I lied to you." Thought Jesus.

Jesus looked at the Bail Bondsman and shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, I work in strange ways"

The studio audience laughed and the comedian that made all the sound effects punctuated it will the sound a of a rim shot.